Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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