I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize