clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
