Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
