Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
