When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize