i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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