Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
