I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
