i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
