my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
