Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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