Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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