Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
