turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
