just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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