YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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