Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
