All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
worst night to have a conscience
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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