Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
