Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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