Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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