I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
