I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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