I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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