Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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