speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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