i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
