listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize