Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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