He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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