fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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