Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
