did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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