Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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