I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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