I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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