Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
