That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
