i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
