dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
