dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
