i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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