Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize