I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
