My cat gives me a boner
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
