My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
