dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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