I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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