I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
