the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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