Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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