So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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