I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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