he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
