I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
