I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
