I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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