dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
